Wishing vs. Wanting
“Most people have more needs than wants. That's why they live the lives they do. But the world is run by those whose wants outstrip their needs.” - Amor Towles, Rules of Civility
I think this quote has two significant pieces to it. The first is the more obvious; those who are wealthy and who have few, if any, actual needs have additional time and energy to pursue their "wants". This gives them financial, temporal, and societal advantages over those whose main priorities are ensuring that there is enough food to eat and a place to sleep at night. You could interpret Towles' statement in this way and then move on - of course it makes sense that the rich run the world. Look at our government. But I read between the lines a bit on this one and came up with another conclusion - maybe Towles himself considered it in writing, maybe he didn't.
First, allow me to hash out the difference between wish and want. Wish means "to have a desire for (something, such as something unattainable)". Want, in this circumstance, means "to have a strong desire for". (Thanks Webster). I think it is implicit in the English language that if we merely wish for something, we probably aren't trying that hard to attain it. If we want something, however, perhaps we are putting a bit more effort into that desire. I suppose the two are used interchangeably when it comes to making a Christmas list for Santa Claus, but for more delicate subjects, it is easier to find subtle implications that lie behind the choice of one word over the other.
It is much easier to wish for things than to identify a substantial want. "What do you want?" That is a scary question, because more often than not, I am not sure what I want. Behind this ability to identify what one wants and to pursue it wholeheartedly is one of the secrets to worldly success. Identify any "successful" person in our society, and they have had the ability to tune into a want and make that want a reality.
I wish for a great many things - a beautiful house overlooking the ocean, a new pair of skis, a vacation in Switzerland, and hair that looks perfect every morning - among other unrealistic aspirations. While I am hoping that all of these things happen one day, I'm currently not putting much mental or physical effort into them. But it isn't always easy to make this black and white separation. I think it is quite commonplace for our wishes to be confused with our wants, leading to the pursuit of unrealistic ambitions. While there are those outliers who fall upon accidental fortune and sheer luck, they lie a few standard deviations away from the mean. Most of us have to focus on reasonable expectations in order to climb up the ladder of success. We have to single out a couple of wants and pursue them wholeheartedly.
What do I want right now? I want to find a career that I am passionate about. With three more years of school ahead of me, I am taking baby steps to eventually meet that goal. Right now these steps entail a few research projects over the summer, shadowing in various specialties, and studying like a bat out of hell during the school year. No less do I want to maintain a strong relationship with my family, despite a distance of 1600 miles that separates us for most of the year. Last year, I was able to fly home to surprise my mom for her 60th birthday, and next June I am going to do whatever it takes to be there for my sister's high school graduation. While my current wants are mentally, physically, and financially draining, the small victories that accompany hard work remind me that it is totally worth it in the long run.
It is impossible to be successful in a leadership role without knowing what one wants. Aimless dreamers are wishing upon something that is shrouded in the murky unknown, making it practically impossible for them to find a path to their goal. I think it is our job in life to be both leaders and followers; we should choose to lead in the areas of our passions and talents. But just as important as our leadership roles are the roles in which we choose to follow. In order for there to be leaders, there also must be followers. Far more prevalent than the choice to lead, however, are the choices to follow. By supporting different people as a follower, I am helping to shape who the leaders in our country become - leaders in politics, business, agriculture, science, and technology. These daily decisions all factor into the wants of a certain population. Where are we spending our time and our resources? We may have idealistic goals that we aspire to and vote for, but are we investing in those dreams to make them a reality? If not, perhaps it is time to evaluate the difference between our utopian wishes and our achievable wants. Not to say that dreaming isn't a good thing - a pragmatic approach to shooting for your dreams is awesome. The world of government and politics can be very theoretical in its debates and policies. It takes a unique individual who can formulate an ideological theory that actually works when put into practice. Yet another Amor Towles novel provides astounding insight into this idea, "We are talking about horizons aren't we? That horizontal line at the limit of sight? Rather than sitting in orderly rows in a schoolhouse, wouldn't one be better served by working her way toward an actual horizon, so that she could see what lay beyond it?" (from A Gentleman in Moscow) How do we push the limits of fact and theory to the edge? By risking failure, putting theory into practice, going beyond the established horizon. It is risky business to venture out in this manner, for it requires that we accept the possibility of failure. Towles writes, "What matters in life is not whether we receive a round of applause; what matters is whether we have the courage to venture forth despite the uncertainty of acclaim." We have to want something so badly that we are willing to do whatever it takes to get there, but the want must come from an intrinsic source, as opposed to an extrinsic one.
In her book The Champion Mindset: An Athlete's Guide to Mental Toughness, Olympic athlete, researcher, and coach Joanna Zeiger distinguishes between extrinsic and intrinsic goals. She defines extrinsic goals as "those that are a means to an end, such as financial reward, fame, trophies, or impressing others". Intrinsic goals, on the other hand, "inherently satisfy psychological needs for autonomy, competence, and growth, such as community feeling, love of the sport, or physical fitness." She points to studies showing that a focus on intrinsic goals "leads to higher well-being", while a focus on extrinsic goals actually diminishes well-being. While Zeiger approaches this theory from an athletic standpoint, I think that it can be applied to any type of goal in life. If we want to achieve something purely for the attainment of outward success, we are desperately lacking the intrinsic want that is essential for prompting our desire. Zeiger claims that while desire is essential to success, it is wholly dependent upon perseverance. Back to the discussion of wishing vs. wanting - wishing isn't inherently a bad thing. But in order to make your wish a reality, it has to be pursued with the desire and perseverance that transforms that wish into a want. Author and Olympic coach Joe Friel tweeted, "A dream becomes a goal when you create a plan, and a reality only if you fully commit to it." Zeiger elaborates on this idea, "It is reasonable to dream big," she writes, "but all goals must be formulated with an eye on reality."
How do I summarize my thoughts on all this wishing and wanting, goal setting and dreaming? I think that it is fair to say that a dream without any tenacity behind it will lead nowhere. But if you have the grit to back it up, a mere wish can transform itself into an all-encompassing want, and that want can be made a reality. Let's discover what we want and make it happen, and in that way each one of us can run our own little part of the world.
Behind the picture: Sulfur Mountain Road in Ojai CA - 9 miles up and 9 miles down, a fire road that is perfect for a long hilly run. Start early - it gets hot!